Don’t laugh at me :(

I never seem to know how to begin an essay.  As I sit here wondering how to explain my life and where I plan to take it, I have come to the realization that through all my uncertainty, I will always be sure of one thing: I am an artist.

Before I was even aware of my talents, I have loved to draw. I would sprawl out on my bedroom floor with my 64 box of crayons, surrounded by pages from coloring books and drawings of my imaginary worlds.  As I was never into sports or clubs, art was always my way to connect with others and show what I passionate about. Upon entering Space Coast Jr./Sr. High School, I took my first academic art class and was introduced into world of fine arts.

With some raw talent, a few great teachers, and a lot of trial and error, I began to flourish. Throughout middle and high school, I took every art class offered, from rudimentary art to graphic design to ceramics and finally to AP Studio Art. It was in AP art where I came to the reality of what I could really accomplish. As my skill level improved, so did my conceptual thinking, use of composition, and ability to catch the glimmer in a person’s eyes. As if the experience of the class was not enough, once I received my score of a 5 on the AP exam, I knew that my gift had been recognized.

Unfortunately, Art school is not exactly affordable. I had planned to attend art college right out of high school, but these plans were squandered by my lack of available funds. In my eleventh grade year, my parents divorced and my relationship with my father dwindled. Today, I receive no help financially from my father and we do not keep in contact. As not to leave all of the economical burden on my mother, I work full time while going to school full time to save for dream school.

So, as to why I believe Flagler is right for me is very simple. As far as private schools go, Flagler College is extremely affordable. I was drawn not only to Flagler’s location in beautiful St. Augustine,where inspiration is not hard to come by, but also to the college’s intimate class sizes and focus to academics. As an young artist trying to choose a major, Flagler offers Graphic Design and remarkably Illustration, for which I am most excited about. Everything that Flagler provides will allow me to get the best college experience and education possible.

The End :D

But then I remember that I’m five minutes late for my next class, I have a paper due, I have to work tomorrow, all the boys in this town are idiots, I’m broke, I can’t find my keys, and I just stepped in gum.

Okay, so my life isn’t horrible, but it’s not wonderful either. I go to school and work full time. I live at home with my mother and stepdad. I have pretty much no social life. I hate this god forsaken [not even a] town i live in. I hate community college, which isn’t even remotely challenging. The only thing that keeps me whole are my best friends and art (in whatever form).

Basically, I am bored with this shell I call my life.

I want something new. PLEASE!

Probably the greatest birthday present.

EVER.

I change my mind a hundred times, finally settle on something, and then I go off and change my mind once again! And I am going to pretend someone cares and tell you my latest college route.

I am thinking about going to University of Florida, majoring in Interior Design, and minoring in Environmental Studies (as to gain a better understanding of a Greener way of life). Obviously this isn’t written in stone or anything, but it’s something I would like to do. I am still trying to figure out myself and my future. Only time will tell…

As for lately, I am so ready for this semester to be over!! I only have two more weeks left until glorious summer. I am going to have a blast with my friends. Here is just a few of the adventures on my list:

• bunches of concerts
• beach, beach, beach!
• I’m going to learn to surf
• My mom’s wedding in VEGAS!
• road trips
• lots of movies
• bonfires and s’mores :)
• NEW YORK CITY!!! (oh yes)

So be prepared for some new adventures and lots of pictures, because I need an outlet in my life (as lame as that sounds…) and this is the most perfect place.

Until next time,

Brenna

I am going to make this happen

We were sitting on the couch and she was doing some paperwork for work. Oprah just ended and I paused the TV (gotta love DVR). I told her I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching lately. I told her I can no more see the logic putting so much money I don’t have into a dream I’ve had since I was a kid. I am becoming an adult (as corny as that sounds, it’s true) and I’m realizing I have other things I want to persue.

I have decided that I want to use my creative thinking more than my actually creative ability. I love art, but I am a creative thinker to the core.

I really want to study abroad. But more than that I want to volunteer abroad. I’ve actually been thinking a viable career option for me would be being a part of a non-profit organization. Where I get to work with people, kids, animals. Where I get to work on projects, create designs, travel, share my knowledge, learn about what others have experienced.

…but what on earth do I get a degree in??? What university in Florida should I transfer to??

Once I figure where I’m going and what degree I’m going to get, I may just transfer Fall of this year. I am missing out on the college experience and I mind as well go now while I have a scholarship to assist me, instead of playing it safe at BCC. I just really need to figure out what degree to look into…

I think whatever I do, I am still want at least a minor in fine arts. I’ve also been checking out a Humanities major.

(if only it were that easy Steve…)

AHHH! MY BRAIN!!! I don’t knowwww.

I NEED ADVICE! Please help me.

I am beggining to research some viable options…

I still have no idea what I’m going to do and SCAD is disappearing beneath the fog of my once clear goals. I really want to study abroad, but it’s way outta my price range. I’m actually looking into the Peace Corp. I need to find out so much more about it before it even becomes a consideration.

So, I’ve yet to share any of this with my Mother. The fact that I’m probably not going to be in debt forever should make her super happy, but I’m not sure how she is going to take it. She may throw something at me about quitting and that is so wrong. I’m not quitting, giving up on my “dreams”, or settling. I am readjusting, deciding, thinking a tad more logically, and starting to discover that I am way too interested in culture, traveling, and the environment to narrow it down so early in my life.

I’m young. They don’t call these “the best years of your life” for nothing. I would like to make this statement true, because as of right now I am stuck in a rut. I’m not depressed and I don’t HATE my life. It’s just the same old thing. Eat sleep school eat sleep work sleep work work sleep homework homework homework school eat…etc.

I have been lacking inspiration which seems to drive my lack of motivation, leading to…well, nothing.

Hence rut.

And yes, wise ones, I am aware that only I can change this and make things happen.

I’m still working on it :)

I’ll update soon, I promise.

SCAD: my dream school. The place I have been planning to go for going on 3 years. The incredibly expensive, private college that offers all things creative. Located in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

Did I mention how incredibly expensive it is???

Just to go there as a graduate for two years, I will be well over $100,000 in debt. I don’t know if it is worth it to struggle with that kind of burden. All I keep hearing is how student debt never really goes away and I will be paying it off my entire life. And I don’t want to live like that!

The thing is I love art. But the problem is, I think I have decided unconciously that art is all that I’m really good at and it’s my only option. This stupid thought isn’t true and I know it. I feel like I’m not passionate enough.

(More or less, a lack of it….)

I want to be passionate about something. Something that inspires me everyday to do more. I have settled with the fact that it must have a creative aspect to it because creativity envelops me and will always be who I am. But there are sooo many options out there, that I feel like I am making a poor decision by not wading my way through them before investing my life’s money into it…

I decided to make a list of things I am interested in and then I will narrow it down from there. It seems more logical to start out nice and broad.

So, here it goes:

• Going Green
• Decorating
• Planning
• Shopping/styling
• Painting/drawing (yes, we’ve covered this. I know)
• Technology
• Traveling
• Helping others
• Making changes for the better
• Learning/sharing my knowledge
• Organizing

Where is any of this going to get me? What sets me apart from every other kid my age? What can I do???

Here’s a list of things I really want to do:

• Go green: I want to recycle everything that can be recycled. I want to actually remember to bring my green bags whenever I go shopping. I want to only drink water (I bought I new water bottle yesterday as a start). I want to eat more organically. I want to make sure all the products I use were not tested on animals. I want to conserve energy.
• Get Organized: I want to go through my room and get rid of everything I don’t need. I want to make a schedule. I want to organized my clothes. I want to get my bookshelf built and my shelves put up so everything can become uncluttered. I want to make my cork boards for my jewelry. I want to go through my “junk” drawers. I want to never again wait until the last minute to do thing, especially school assignments!
• Get Healthy: I want to start exercising regularly. I want to, as previously mentioned, drink water and eat more organically. I want to get Proactive and get perfect skin. I want to whiten my teeth.
• Making a Difference: I want to get a pen pal. I want to help those less fortunate than me. I want to shop/donate at thrift stores. I want to go to Africa and build houses. I want to spread the word about endangered species. I want to make posters for awareness contests.I want to do the “Give a Day, Get a Day” for Disney. I want to make more friends. I want to understand other cultures and languages (I never want to be classified as “yet another ignorant American…”)I want to get involved.
• Figuring it Out: I want to figure out my plan. I want to know what I am supposed to do to help people. I want to know if SCAD is really where I’m supposed to go.

So, I’m working on it…

So, supposedly Mondays are “Literary”. That may change, but until I find a proper alternative I will stick with what is already assigned…

Sadly I haven’t put aside enough time for reading in the past couple months, which is a sad, sad thing and should be illegal.

Amazingly I finally finished the poor dusty, unopened book that was starting to make it’s a permanent resident on my bedside table. It was actually pretty good. I finish it in less than a day because I missed reading so much.

The book I read is Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater.

It started out pretty slow but got pretty interesting once I read a little further. It had a new take on werewolves that I had never read before. When they change when the temperature changes, like with the seasons. Then after so many years of changing, they eventually just stop turning back to human over the summer all together and live the rest of their lives as normal wolves in the woods.

Here is a review I got off Amazon:

This is an original piece by me. It created from a drawing I did after my parent’s divorce and a lot conflict and fighting was going on. I just wanted to float up into the fluffy clouds and get away from all the craziness around. My world had been turned upside-down and I have never gone through something so difficult. But I have grown up, gotten stronger. I persevere, live my life with optimism despite all the negativity. I reach for my dreams and I will make it in life because I choose to do so.

For everyone who is going through rough times, I know how difficult it is. I have been though many unnatural deaths in the family, moving to different states, illness of my family and friends, and even my entire home life being torn to pieces.

It’s a new day. Make of it what you can. Lift your chin up and look straight ahead and live your dreams.

“Stand unafraid. There’s life in your veins”

and if you don’t do Christmas,

Happy Holidays!